Movie Review: Ring Around the Rosie, 2006 by G. Adams
Every Halloween I paw through Netflix’s horror section and grab a few things that the recommendation ‘bot lobs out at me. This time, it cost me. My questions are, why would Netflix recommend such a terrible film to me, and secondly, is recommending something so awful an actionable offense?
Still, I watched the movie, which by my own rules, means I have to review it. And maybe when Netflix tosses this little turd your way, you’ll be wiser for having read this.
You haven’t heard about this movie. That’s not so bad as I believe Tom Sizemore hasn’t heard of this movie, even though he’s in it. That’s how drunk I think he was.
Ring Around the Rosie isn’t very good, and the reason for that is that it is terrible. That may seem like a simple witticism, but there’s more to my summary than just wit. The film is badly written, poorly shot, weakly performed. It’s nearly impossible to tell what’s going on, and anything that might be even the slightest bit frightening is so buried in a rush of edits, jump cuts and the absolutely most ridiculously overproduced sound effects you have ever experienced, that no coherence escapes.
I try to give 300 word reviews, but I don’t need 300 words to say don’t watch this needlessly mean-spirited exercise in muddled horror. I will say this: in the 1988 Chevy Chase film Funny Farm, Chevy plays a sportswriter who is trying to become a novelist. When his wife reads his manuscript, she exclaims that the book is incomprehensible, saying it has “…flashes back, flashes forward, and sometimes, even flashes sideways!”
I never understood what flash-sideways meant, or how incredibly disorientating the technique could be, until I watched Ring Around the Rosie. Now I know.
Me vs. Christopher Null of Filmcrtic.com: Regular readers of my own review blog know I like to square off my reviews against professional reviewers, Roger Ebert when I can and The Onion when Roger hasn’t bothered. But even the Onion overlooked Ring Around The Rosie and that leaves me with Chris, who, not surprisingly, hated this movie. Christopher went the extra mile and summed the film up, as well as detailing a few items about the production history and the careers the film has ruined.
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